Things I Am Afraid Of

(This is not a gift to all of you cruel people out there who have some desire to frighten me. Rather, this is a thoughtful attempt to compile a list of all of my fears, quirks, oddities, etc. in hopes that in the process I may solve some of my problems :)

1. Needles, shots, injections of any kind

2. Walking into a Men's Restroom

3. The Dark

4. Hurting people

5. Losing things (material things, like leaving them somewhere by accident)

6. Losing people (hearts, like leaving them behind, or being abandoned by them)

7. Watching Someone Die

8. The Joker

9. Addictions

10. Evil disguised as good

11. Emotional Manipulation

12. Pride

13. Imperfection (in some things)

14. Making people fall in love with me

15. Being Responsible for/Managing Money

16. My subconscious competitiveness

17. Dressing Immodestly

18. Movies that are almost clean

19. Hospitals

20. Heights

21. The Smell of the Dentist's Office

22. Presenting myself openly for Criticism

23. My Parent's Disappointment

24. Holding Back the Truth from those I love

25. Forever

26. Not loving someone enough

27. Tearing someone away from God

28. Turning away from God

29. Rainbow Colored Goldfish

30. Forgetting

31. Shadows

32. Tripping in High Heels

33. A World without Color

34. Becoming Tone Deaf

35. Life without Romance

36. Knives

37. Close Friends becoming Enemies

38. Being Afraid

Art

I spent over an hour in the art museum today. It's incredible to me how someone can evoke so much emotion with nothing but a canvas and an array of colors.

That's what I want to do with my writing. Some paper, a pen, and all the words in the world. I could really change people.

Happy People

I've been putting off grading these finals for a week and a half now. I've started grading several times, but I just haven't been able to get through them.

Today, my family banished me to the Public Library so that I would actually get them done. I sat at my desk for about an hour and was actually doing pretty well staying focused. Then, my gum started losing it's flavor, my laptop was gasping for breath and my back hurt from bending over. I decided to take a walk.

I made it as far as a desk across the hall way. When I pulled the chair out to take my seat, a book on the table next to me caught my attention.

"The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People."

I've read a few books like this, I think the best ones being the scriptures and Conference editions of the Ensign, but what intrigued me about this book was the subtitle: "What Scientists Have Learned and How You Can Use it."

Science? I thought to myself, What does science have to do with being happy?

I picked up the book and returned to my desk in the corner. As I flipped through the table of contents, I was surprised to see exactly 100 chapters listed. Each "simple secret" had it's own title. These were some of my favorites:

(forgive me, this list might get long :)

1. Your Life Has Purpose and Meaning

3. You Don't Have to Win Every Time

6. Cultivate Friendships

7. Turn Off the TV

8. Accept Yourself--Unconditionally

14. Share with Others How Important They Are to You

22. Pay Attention. You May Have What You Want

24. Do What You Say You Are Going to Do

25. Don't Be Aggressive with Your Friends and Family

33. Little Things Have Big Meanings

34. It's Not What Happened, It's How You Think About What Happened

36. Laugh

39. Busy is Better Than Bored

40. Satisfaction is Relative

50. Cherish Animals

51. Make Your Work a Calling

52. Never Trade Your Morals for Your Goals

58. Events Are Temporary

61. Be Positive

70. Smile

72. You Always Have a Choice

75. Listen to Music

81. Be Conscientious

83. Enjoy the Ordinary

86. Envying Other People's Relationships is Pointless

88. Focus on What Really Matters to You

91. Don't Let Others Set Your Goals

92. You Are a Person, Not a Stereotype

100. What Does It All Mean? You Decide

(David Niven, PH.D.)

I know that my happiness comes from the gospel and the peace I find within it's truths, but I love to find little things that I can do to increase my happiness and the happiness of others.

Having said this, I have a little challenge for you.

Pick one thing, one little itty baby thing, that you can do to make your life happier. It can be something off this list, something you come up with yourself or something that your old Gramma Dorothy told you fifteen years ago. Pick that one thing, and Do It. Today.

Even though it may hurt

I refuse to believe there is such a thing as loving too much.

Never Forget It

I've spent the past month and a half in desperate contemplation, wondering what new enlightenment, or amusement, or feeling I could offer you from this blog. I've written poems, short stories, songs, narratives, and nothing seems to fit.

Not even this.

Something wonderful happened today that caused me to reread some of my previous blog entries.

I realized that I needed to take a moment to acknowledge the everlasting presence of God's hand in my life.

I am so blessed.

I don't know what I've done to deserve God's love in such abundance, but I have it.

I hear it in the rushing of the wind.

I see it in the sparkle of your eyes.

I smell it in the falling of the rain.

I taste it when I bite into a crisp red apple.

I feel it everytime I breathe in

I know. I know. I know.

And I'm happy.

Breathe

It's been way too long.

I need to write. To just write. To breathe and to live. Through the words that make me.

Therefore, please forgive me if I don't seize your attention, if I don't leave you with your jaw on the ground, if I don't present anything revolutionary, insightful or uplifting. That's not my intent.

---

Last year in AP Lit, we had to do these terrible papers called logs. I actually only ended up writing two, but it was the third, the one that remains unwritten and resulted in my lowest grade in high school, that has had the greatest impact on me.

When I read Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman, the few people that I were able to talk to about it had hated it. This was distressing seeing as I had absolutely loved the play; it left me bawling for hours. Then, a few weeks ago, when I decided to take a shortcut through the HFAC, I passed one of several posters advertising upcoming events in BYU Fine Arts. One such poster caught my attention and I was elated to find that the same play which I had so enjoyed last year was being put on by the department. In that very moment I determined that I would go, even if I had to live without bread for a few weeks.

It was phenomenal.

I won't go into the artsy details, even though the form was amazing. I won't go into the specific characters, even though they were portrayed outstandingly. I won't even go into the depth of the message shared, even though it would drive the coarsest person to tears. If any of these things are of interest to you, by all means, let's chat. I could talk for hours about these details.

What I will share is my heart.

Each one of God's children is of infinite worth. Each one of God's children deserves a life of love, deserves feelings of self-worth. Willy Loman is real. He is as real as each and every one of us. He breathes, he eats, he cries, he laughs, he feels. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose that sense of reality. I don't want to lose sight of who I am. I wander through life with my eyes closed and with my heart sealed shut. I block out pain and I run from sorrow. It's only in those moments of greatest torment that I allow my grief to spill into my pillow. No one else gets to know. No one.

But I am real. I do cry. I do doubt. And I'm also happy. Life isn't meant to be lived in tears. Sometimes hard rains will fall, but a rainbow will always follow. A rainbow, well, I'm not really a rainbow gal either. But go with me for a moment. Close your eyes. Open your mouth. And smell the rain. Life is renewed. You are refreshed.

Hit Me.

I've been up all night packing.

It really shouldn't have taken this long.

I'm driving up to college today. Leaving in a few hours actually.

I keep waiting for the reality of it to hit me. To sink in. I'm waiting for the tears to come. I said my goodbyes. Why is my heart not heavy?

This is Right. This is where I need to be in this point in my life.

It's time for a new adventure. For a new challenge. I feel like my life will kind of be a series of adventures and transitions for the next while. And I'm ready for that.

Bring it On.