Even though it may hurt

I refuse to believe there is such a thing as loving too much.

Never Forget It

I've spent the past month and a half in desperate contemplation, wondering what new enlightenment, or amusement, or feeling I could offer you from this blog. I've written poems, short stories, songs, narratives, and nothing seems to fit.

Not even this.

Something wonderful happened today that caused me to reread some of my previous blog entries.

I realized that I needed to take a moment to acknowledge the everlasting presence of God's hand in my life.

I am so blessed.

I don't know what I've done to deserve God's love in such abundance, but I have it.

I hear it in the rushing of the wind.

I see it in the sparkle of your eyes.

I smell it in the falling of the rain.

I taste it when I bite into a crisp red apple.

I feel it everytime I breathe in

I know. I know. I know.

And I'm happy.

Breathe

It's been way too long.

I need to write. To just write. To breathe and to live. Through the words that make me.

Therefore, please forgive me if I don't seize your attention, if I don't leave you with your jaw on the ground, if I don't present anything revolutionary, insightful or uplifting. That's not my intent.

---

Last year in AP Lit, we had to do these terrible papers called logs. I actually only ended up writing two, but it was the third, the one that remains unwritten and resulted in my lowest grade in high school, that has had the greatest impact on me.

When I read Arthur Miller's Death of a Salesman, the few people that I were able to talk to about it had hated it. This was distressing seeing as I had absolutely loved the play; it left me bawling for hours. Then, a few weeks ago, when I decided to take a shortcut through the HFAC, I passed one of several posters advertising upcoming events in BYU Fine Arts. One such poster caught my attention and I was elated to find that the same play which I had so enjoyed last year was being put on by the department. In that very moment I determined that I would go, even if I had to live without bread for a few weeks.

It was phenomenal.

I won't go into the artsy details, even though the form was amazing. I won't go into the specific characters, even though they were portrayed outstandingly. I won't even go into the depth of the message shared, even though it would drive the coarsest person to tears. If any of these things are of interest to you, by all means, let's chat. I could talk for hours about these details.

What I will share is my heart.

Each one of God's children is of infinite worth. Each one of God's children deserves a life of love, deserves feelings of self-worth. Willy Loman is real. He is as real as each and every one of us. He breathes, he eats, he cries, he laughs, he feels. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose that sense of reality. I don't want to lose sight of who I am. I wander through life with my eyes closed and with my heart sealed shut. I block out pain and I run from sorrow. It's only in those moments of greatest torment that I allow my grief to spill into my pillow. No one else gets to know. No one.

But I am real. I do cry. I do doubt. And I'm also happy. Life isn't meant to be lived in tears. Sometimes hard rains will fall, but a rainbow will always follow. A rainbow, well, I'm not really a rainbow gal either. But go with me for a moment. Close your eyes. Open your mouth. And smell the rain. Life is renewed. You are refreshed.

Hit Me.

I've been up all night packing.

It really shouldn't have taken this long.

I'm driving up to college today. Leaving in a few hours actually.

I keep waiting for the reality of it to hit me. To sink in. I'm waiting for the tears to come. I said my goodbyes. Why is my heart not heavy?

This is Right. This is where I need to be in this point in my life.

It's time for a new adventure. For a new challenge. I feel like my life will kind of be a series of adventures and transitions for the next while. And I'm ready for that.

Bring it On.

Soul Searching

I just want to make right choices.

One of the lessons learned in Mexico:

It is just a good feeling knowing that you are doing what is right. Yeah, some days were harder than others. Sometimes I felt like I was never coming home.

In those moments I would just close my eyes and offer a silent prayer and such an overwhelming feeling of peace would come over me.

Sometimes in life we look for pleasure or for fun. But we forget to look for peace. Joy comes from peace. True happiness comes from peace. Sometimes we are so focused on "the moment," "living in the now" that we don't realize how much harm we are doing to our souls. The soul is something to be careful with. We only have one.

Doctrine teaches that the soul is made up of the spirit and the body. When we do anything to our body, it also affects our spirit.

I transported my body all the way to Mexico. In making the decision to go there I prayed and fasted diligently, looking for an answer, for an action. The prompting I received was "It is not meet that I should command in all things." I made my decision. It was right for Me, and it was worth it.

There is such a great peace that comes from doing God's will. I've been looking for that peace. But I think the prompting is about the same. To finish the verse "...For he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant" (D&C 58:26)

I want to be the Lord's servant and to dedicate my life to Him. In a few days I get to start over, just like Mexico. I pray that I will right any wrongs I have committed. I pray that I will improve myself daily. I pray that I will find P.E.A.C.E.

Memo to Self

It's pain-relieving

to listen to your own

Tears.

Moonlight

Sometimes your heart just needs to cry.  Your eyes well up until they spill, teardrops gliding gently down your cheeks.

You're not sad.  Just being.

You can not "be" without "being."

You are real.  You break.  You wish.  You dream.  You hurt.  You want.  You act.  You wonder.  You doubt.  You long.  You question.  You trust.  You are.

You are.

Tell me that you have never looked at the sky above and stopped breathing.

Tell me that you have never asked God, as your father, if he really exists.

Tell me that you have never dreamed of romance, of finding that one true love.

Tell me that you have never doubted what you already know to be true.

Tell me that you have never slipped up or made a mistake.

Tell me that you have never wanted to rewind, felt that pang of regret.

Tell me that you have never longed for something, knowing that it's not good for you.

Tell me that you have never wished selfishly.

Tell me that you have never examined your brain, looking for you.

Tell me that you have never listened to your thoughts as they race through your mind.

Tell me that you have never desired to stop.

To just stop for one moment.

To Breathe. 

To Feel.

To Be.